God's Got It

14. Jesus Got Me Pregnant

• Molly Rasanen & Jenn Maroney

Share episode

Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.

0:00 | 1:06:27

After five years of trying to conceive… this is the testimony we’ve been waiting to share.

In today’s conversation, Molly opens up about her deeply personal journey through infertility, the emotional and physical toll of waiting, and how God used those five years to transform her faith, her marriage, and her identity.

From monthly cycles of hope and heartbreak to moments of anger, surrender, and ultimately encountering the love of Jesus in a real and embodied way—this episode is a raw and powerful testimony of what it looks like to trust God when your prayers feel unanswered.

And then… the miracle.

We talk about:

  • What infertility actually feels like (and why it’s often suffered in silence)
  • The mental and emotional spiral of trying to “fix” your body
  • Wrestling with God, anger, and unanswered prayers
  • The difference between control vs. true surrender
  • How somatic healing and faith intersected in Molly’s journey
  • What it means to trust God’s timing—even when it hurts
  • The exact moment everything changed

This episode is for the woman in the waiting.
The one who just got her period again.
The one asking, “When is it my turn?”

If that’s you—this conversation is meant to breathe hope back into your heart.

You are not alone.
And your story is not over.

____________________________________________________________

A faith-rooted space for women devoted to healing, embodiment, and walking with God in real life — together. Join the Living Liberated Community here. & donate here. 


Let's Connect! 

SPEAKER_00

Welcome to God's Got It, the podcast for women coming home to God. I'm Jen, and I'm Molly, and we're just two girls walking with God, doing our best to trust the process.

SPEAKER_02

Here we'll be talking all things faith, healing, and what it looks like to build a life in Christ as we navigate the messy middle of being human.

SPEAKER_00

This is a space for the raw and unfiltered conversation. It's about seasons that trust your trust, moments that stretch your faith, and stories that remind you, no matter what's unfolding, God's got it.

SPEAKER_01

Great. Nice, calm down. Calm down.

SPEAKER_04

Just jokes, just jokes, folks.

SPEAKER_00

I feel like a little kidding.

SPEAKER_04

I really am pregnant, but the title is just a funny, a funny, a funny bit of what's going to explain the story that we're gonna tell you on the podcast today because it is absolutely miraculous. But I really do in this moment.

SPEAKER_03

I was just explaining it to Jen before we hopped on. I feel like a little kid. My family always used to tease me when I was little because I never wanted to like upset anybody or hurt anybody's feelings. So even when I would tell a joke or be funny or like poke fun at someone, I'd immediately be like, I'm just kidding.

SPEAKER_00

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I need you to know that it's a joke. Just kidding, voids out any offense that we want to get when we're actually like telling the truth, but you just are like, I don't want to be offensive. So just kidding. Ha ha. Hello. Exactly.

SPEAKER_05

Honestly, no one thing that the people who are listening to this podcast are podcast are going to take offense to our sense of humor.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I mean, and if you do, I guess you're not our people, right? So carry on.

SPEAKER_04

If you do level and accept the way of the Lord into your life because it ain't that serious. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely. So without further ado, I guess you got some news for the people.

SPEAKER_03

News for the people, and it's crazy that this news is coming right on the back of launching that last podcast about the waiting period because I poured my heart and my vulnerability and all of my pain into that conversation.

SPEAKER_04

And guys, I'm pregnant. We're having a baby. God's got it's having a baby because God's got it.

SPEAKER_00

That's right. Oh my gosh. This is I'm so glad we're finally talking about it because literally I feel like week after week we're recording and we are having those deep conversations. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't wait until we get to like talk about this and how miraculous and how amazing. And like, just really I'm excited today for everyone listening to to hear your raw truth and and your heart around this and what that's looked like traversing over the past is what, five and a half years that you've been on a five year journey?

SPEAKER_03

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_03

Five years exactly. The month we started, it was March of 2021, was when we first started trying. And March of 2026, March 2nd specifically, we found out that we were pregnant. And it is I'm so excited about this because it is such a testimony. Like I feel like beyond everything else that's happened in my life, I mean, you can look at so many different facets of your life and find these testimonies, but God really used these five years to do a work in me, to do a work in my husband, to do a work in our marriage, and at the buzzer really fulfilled a prayer that had been prayed for so long, in so many agonizing moments, and so many moments of despair, of so many moments of uncertainty. Is this ever, ever, ever, ever, ever going to happen for me? In moments of having to surrender, like, okay, what does my life look like if it doesn't? Do I still get to have like a fill, full, beautiful, nourished life without this prayer coming true? And every single one of those moments walked me into the faith I now have with God. And and He really used those five years. I mean, we're not gonna have the time to tell the story from five years ago to today, every single bit and piece, but in hindsight, I can look back and recognize that the year we started trying started my spiritual journey. It's when I started looking for something more and being interested in the reality that a God could exist. I wasn't calling it God back then. Um, and so many moments throughout that journey have been the thing that have directed me back to Jesus. And I I kept saying to Jen, even before I got pregnant, I was hysterically laughing to myself that I'm like, when I do get pregnant, we're gonna have a podcast episode called Jesus Got Me Pregnant. Because it has been in the last six months of giving my life fully over to Christ, and we'll talk about some of the kind of miraculous and mystical experiences I had, encounters with Christ that I had along the way that led to this prayer being answered. And I'm just so grateful to be able to sit as a living testimony to the reality of how good God is and how faithful God is, and also the reality of what a journey to actually live into that faith our lives really are, right? Because going five years without ever seeking fertility treatment is not the norm. It's a weird, it's a weird route to take, and neither my husband nor I could really explain it while it was happening. It was just this knowing of that's not our path, we don't feel called to it. It doesn't feel peaceful for us to go down that route. And I find it so funny that the second we did surrender into it, five years into our journey, we were finally like, okay, we're gonna just make an appointment, see what they have to say, but at the same time studying the miracle-making power of God and just praying and praying and praying, where we're like, God, please just allow this to happen for us, allow your miracle working power to move through our lives so we can have this testimony, so we can tell this story. Um, having those two things happen simultaneously. I mean, it's just been, and we'll get into all of it, but it's just been such a whirlwind and a blessing, and I'm so grateful to finally be able to tell this story out loud and give him all the glory because my husband just keeps saying, like, there's no other explanation. There's literally no other explanation except for God.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and I'm excited for us to have this conversation, and you'll obviously be having this conversation a little bit more than myself in this moment, but I'm excited just to dive in and kind of ask you some questions. And I just know that this is going to be such a beautiful dialogue. There are so many women, and we were talking about that before hopping on the call. I don't specifically know the statistics, but I know that this um infertility is a very common um space that a lot of women are navigating and not talking about or having certain emotions around. So I am excited to have the conversation to normalize it and really for you to help, you know, lay out what that wrestle with God looked like. That's the first thing that's popping in my head is like, you know, for five years, I mean, what does that prayer life even look like? Were there moments where you felt really disconnected from God? Or like how did that feel in your body, like emotionally, spiritually, physically? These are all the these are all the things I want to know. You can go where you want to go.

SPEAKER_03

I mean, I love that you named the piece about wanting to speak specifically to there are so many women. So many women. I'm gonna butcher it too, but I think it's as as like one in four or one in six women struggle with some level of infertility, and for many women it is unexplained. And for many women, it is the pressure put on themselves that it's something that is wrong with them, right? We don't even take into consideration very quickly, it actually took two and a half years for us to even consider that there could be an issue on my husband's side, right? And um, yeah, just normalizing that experience because it's so rampant, but it's also so silent. It's such a silent struggle that people are going through because it's just happening alongside the day-to-day of your rest the rest of your life. You're still getting up, you're still going to work, you're still maintaining your relationships, and it's something that it's like not just a singular experience, it's something that every 28 days you're going into that same depth of despair, and then during at least for me, during my bleed time, it was just this crazy mourning period every single month of like, okay, it's not happening again. When's it gonna be my time? That wrestling with God of like why me, what's happening here, what's wrong with me, what didn't I do? For me, there were so many moments of like, oh, it's because I didn't balance my blood sugar the right way, or I skipped that one workout, or I drank soda this one day, like the obsession over the perfection you think, the control you think you have to have over your life when it comes to fertility. And I think that's aided by the age of the internet and the reality that there is so much information at our fingertips, right? And the way that algorithms work these days, the second you start searching anything about like things to boost my fertility or whatever, you're you're pulled in and attracted to uh information around infertility because it's something that you're struggling with, and now every time you're opening your screen, you're getting 10 different tips about the things that you aren't already doing or you aren't perfecting. This is exactly why you're not getting pregnant, that's exactly why you're not getting pregnant, and it's just it is such a mental mind, excuse my language, honestly, that can send you into such a spiral, and it did so many times. I mean, I got I I counted it after we found out that we were pregnant, and I believe it's it's 60 cycles, I think. It might have even been more than that. 60 times of getting my period and hearing, like, no, not yet, not your turn, no, not yet, not your turn. And every single month, like I said, going into like starting all over again, going into the despair, the anger, the angst, the fear, the doubt, the frustration, the why me, the wrestling, right? And that would last for you go through all the stages of grief every single month. That would last for the entirety of your bleed, or maybe even beyond that, and then you go into hyper control mode of like, okay, this cycle's gonna be different, and what do I have to tweak, and what do I have to fix, and what can I add here? And it just becomes this overwhelming pressure that is internally taking over the entirety of your mental capacity as you are meant to still be living a completely normal life, keeping up with work, with creativity, with your relationships, with everything else that goes along with life. And so I just want to speak into any woman who is going through it because I I get it. I get it, and it is so important for you to find spaces and people who do get it, because that was another really hard thing for me. I think I had one girlfriend who I knew who had also gone through it, but she wasn't going through it anymore because she had gone IVF and she had gotten had her first baby, and um there wasn't really anyone else around me that I could talk about it that got it, right? Because it's one thing to be surrounded by beautiful women who I have so many friends. I have so many friends and beautiful women in my life, but it's something if you haven't gone through it, you can't you don't know. You can't know the pain and the agony and the despair of what it is like to sit in that like cycle after cycle after cycle, month after month after month. And so, yeah, just normalizing and speaking so much love over any woman who is sitting in that space right now, and also my prayer is for this conversation to potentially, if I can do anything at all, alleviate some of that internal pressure because at least in my story, it didn't come down to what more I could perfect or what more I could fix or what more I could heal. It wasn't any of that that landed me my answered prayer, right? I mean, I think some of those things definitely helped. I definitely got in the best physical shape of my life. Um, but at a certain point in my journey, I remember feeling like I can't keep living like my life is a a science experiment. I can't keep living like I just have to check a million boxes every single day and make sure that I'm perfecting all of these protocols and all of the supplements and hitting all of my macros and making sure that I'm moving enough, but not too much, right? Because there's so much information. It's like you gotta be moving, but don't spike your cortisol. And if you do spike your cortisol, like make sure that you counter it with enough recovery. And it just it really became as if my life was a science experiment. And um, for me, at least a part of my story is the last few months of my journey. I threw it all out the window. I was like, I can't, I can't keep doing this. I'm gonna keep taking care of myself, I'm gonna keep moving my body, I'm gonna keep eating healthy and do all the things that I know are naturally good for me. But aside from that, I just have to trust in this process and I have to trust in the truth that my body does know how to do this thing that God created it to do. And I think that level of surrender is actually what what led to, like I said, be being open and willing to receive that miracle-making power of God.

SPEAKER_00

So thank you for sharing all of that. Were there moments on this journey where you were angry? Angry, disappointed with God, with God specifically. That's the first part of the question, I guess. And the follow-up being like, what did your hope look like as that kind of journey for you, like that your deep desire continuing to be like deferred and deferred and deferred? So like a two-part question there.

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. I mean, I want everybody who's listening for a minute is like actually think about how long five years is. Like, actually think about the length of time that five years in. And specifically, if you're a woman, I feel like you can understand this even more. Five years broken up into monthly cycles, knowing that every single month you're waiting and expecting and hoping and praying and trying to get your hopes up around this thing of like, it could be my month, it could be my month, any month could be my month, and then every single month having that let down stuff. Yeah, yeah. I went through a lot of periods of time where I was really angry with God, and I'm grateful for it because I learned I I've learned through that experience that it's okay to be angry with God. Yeah, God is this all loving, perfect parrot, like perfect father who's like, Let me have it. I know, I know, yeah, it's not fair, and you are angry. And it might be misplaced, right? But God loves us enough that that He He's okay with us misplacing our anger on Him sometimes when it feels like you have this deep knowing of like you could make this happen if you wanted to. Why aren't you making it happen? It was like the story that I kept telling myself, or the thing I kept repeating in my mind when I would get really angry. But there were so many stages of my journey as it came to God. Like, I I talk a lot about this whole five-year journey is what walked me home to God. I wasn't connected to God in the beginning. I was starting to have an inkling around spirituality, connecting to meditation, yoga, breath, like the desire to heal myself, to understand all the parts and pieces of myself. And that was a good three years of my journey was me kind of stepping into a connection to spirituality, but also simultaneously stepping into this hyper control over if I can just heal deep enough, if I can just find all my past patterns, if I can fix all my trauma, if I can completely heal my womb of any of the things that have ever come against it, right? And I I have a history of extensive sexual trauma. So that took up a lot of my time, a lot of my mental energy was going into all of these modalities and again, protocols, things that I could try to heal myself, believing that if I could just heal myself completely, then it then it would happen. Um, and it was getting to the end of my rope in that. Like I said, coming to this place where I'm like, my life feels like a science experiment. Like I'm so sick of healing, I just want to live. I just want to live. I don't want to be stuck in this spiral of constantly feeling like there's deeper to go and deeper to go and deeper to go because the reality is there is healing, can be an absolutely endless hamster wheel. Like you can spiral and spiral and spiral and spiral, and you will never ever get to the absolute bottom of it unless you choose to see that at the bottom is God, and at the bottom is Jesus, and at the bottom is this relationship that we can choose to have with Him that says, You are whole because you are mine. All of these things that have happened to you, and the things that have gotten contracted and stuck inside of your body, like you don't need to be absolutely rid of all of them in order to have a relationship with God. So that was, I mean, a three and a half, four-year journey before I finally accepted God fully for who God was and let go of the idea that I had to heal myself all the way home to becoming some sort of godly being, that then I could manifest all of these things into my life, right? I could perfect this the art of creation of like through my own will versus surrendering into God's will. And I I only see in hindsight that he's used these past five years for that process, for me to come home to him, so that now in pregnancy, in motherhood, in business, in marriage, in life, I can live in this surrendered relationship with him, excuse me, instead of living in this self-obsession, like self-obsessed ideology that I had to somehow become him.

SPEAKER_00

Good stuff. And you were naming some of the somatic practices and things like that, and because we are both somatic therapists and focusing that part, like I guess, how did this story live in your body, or like how did your relationship maybe with your body and God shift through this whole process? Like, how did you invite him into maybe even some of that like physical stuff that you were navigating?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Um, it's actually I I can't remember if I told this story in my testimony before, but one of the first encounters I ever had with God, me accepting God into my life didn't look anything like anybody evangelizing me or telling me what I should believe or like forcing me to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. My first encounter with God came through a somatic experience. And I had like seeked out, is that how I say that? I seeked out somatic therapy because I was having a lot of past traumas bubble up to the surface, and it was I could notice that it was causing physical pain inside of my body. It was holding a lot of tension in my right shoulder, pain in my right hip to the point where sometimes I was like limping around, but had no reason to. There was no injury, and it would come and go, and it was so associated to my emotions. I just knew and understood and became so deeply connected to the connection that is there, right? The connection between our emotions and past things that have happened in our lives and the contraction inside of our bodies. So I found a somatic practitioner and she helped me understand and really begin to utilize the practice of embodiment, which is literally just following the sensation in your body. Like feeling, let's say, that pain in my shoulder, breathing into it and allowing that to speak to me. Like what memories come up, what thoughts come up, what feelings come up, and can I sit with that discomfort long enough to allow them to express through my body? And that's kind of the like nuts and bolts of what somatic processing is. It's learning how to be able to sit in the tensure, tension, the pressure, the discomfort that's inside of our body and recognize that it's all connected to past traumas, emotions, thoughts, ideas, things that we're holding about ourselves that actually aren't true and that I came to know through my journey home to God are keeping us in separation from Him, right? So it was utilizing somatic work and embodiment work for years that began to open me up to the idea of God. It was within the first weeks of sitting in my first somatic practice that I had an experience of not just believing in God, not just understanding God, but experiencing the truth and the love and the dissolution of separation from God for the first time. And that was like a north star on my journey. I kept following that knowing. That's the day that I went from saying, God, source, universe, whatever it is you want to call it, to like, nope, it's God.

SPEAKER_05

It's God.

SPEAKER_03

It's God. And it wasn't Jesus for me yet, right? Because that's just not the path that I took to get to Jesus. I I knew of Jesus, I had respect for Jesus, but I just wasn't in this close personal relationship with Jesus as God. Um and And it is all of that somatic work. And I want to name somatic work is not fast work. It's not a quick fix. It's not a sit in a practice once, find a story, find a trauma, find a past memory, cry, shake, regulate, and then that's it, it's gone. Right? It's the process of learning how to sit in those emotions and allow yourself to be in love inside of them, accepting inside of them, that slowly over time you begin to stop trying to get rid of those parts and pieces of yourself that have been hurt, that have been traumatized, that have these painful thoughts or ideas about you, and you just actually accept them. This the way that God accepts them, right? Of like, yeah, that did happen to you, and that was really hard, and it did really make an imprint, and that imprint is going to be with you for the rest of your life. Can you find peace in that place instead of peace in digging and digging and digging and digging until it's completely gone? Because that's not the truth of our human experience, that's not reality, right? So, long story short, like long, long answer to your question, it was sitting in consistent somatic processes for that was in 2022, right? 2023 for three years on and off. I'm not somebody who I'm like every single day I sat in this practice and was like so diligent about it, but that was the main tool that I've used and that I'm continuing to use. I'm so grateful for now in all the discomforts of pregnancy, and I'll continue to use, I'm sure, in the absolute discomfort of the birthing process, is getting so comfortable in knowing that God has us in the uncomfortable, and that there's nothing wrong with us, right? There's nothing wrong with the pain, there's nothing wrong with the shame, there's nothing wrong with the parts and pieces of us that are in doubt or in uncertainty or have a hard time with faith, right? That God loves all of those parts and pieces, and God can teach us how to love all of those parts and pieces so we can come into peace and union with him, with the way that he sees us, we can begin to see ourselves. Um, and yeah, that's been a huge, huge piece of my healing journey, and something that I I mean, you know as well, it's been a huge piece for here is that I can't speak to enough the reality of how much that work opened my body up to being able to live in the level of experiential faith that I have now in God.

SPEAKER_00

100%. And I think both of us will like die on that hill of the importance of coming back home into your body. And you know, when I'm whenever I'm working with a client, I will often say there's no amputations in this work. And I think so often we come up against these like stories or narratives, like, gosh, why do I still do that? Why do I be like that? Why can't I just like not be that way anymore? And it's like because at that one point in time, that part kept you really safe, and we can't just now, now that we don't need them, quote unquote anymore, just lop them off of our body. And the piece that like really shifted for me, and kind of how you were talking about we can really get addicted to that healing. And it wasn't until I realized like I didn't have to go in and try to fix it in my own faith or like in my own strength rather. But like my whole practice just shifted when I started being like, God, come in here. Like, hey, can you take this? Please, like, hold this for me, or just inviting him into those stories because I was going in, like, you know, I'm a hustler, I'm a grinder. So I was like going into my practices, like, I am going to conquer this limiting belief. I'm gonna cut it loose and I'm never gonna struggle with again. And you know, surprise, surprise, I'm still coming up against constant contractions and just feeling like I can't get it right. And it was when I started shifting that narrative and being like, hey God, like come into this story. And so now oftentimes when I'm sitting in my breath work or embodiment practice, it's about I'm almost like visualizing that God is there with me and I'm just turning over every single, you know, unhinged thought that I'm having or any like all the sadness, everything. And that has just yeah, it's it's created like a softening and releasing of pressure that I don't have to do all of this on my own.

SPEAKER_03

And yeah, it you really turn a corner in your healing journey when you build an embodied relationship with God and like you said, call him into those spaces because the reality is our human ego is seeking for perfection. So when we go in of our own will to try and do these healing practices beyond God, beyond Jesus, without that core relationship at the center of what we're doing, we are trying to get rid of all the things that we think are imperfect. When we invite God into the space, he is teaching us how to love everything, all parts, all pieces, no amputations, no getting rid of, because he already sees you as perfect in the way that you are. You are already whole in Christ, right? And he is the one who can point you in the direction of realizing the actions that you've taken, sins, right, out of separation. And it is a constant practice inside of faith. I think people will often, I definitely used to look at people who were so embodied in their faith or so healed, so regulated, right? So perfect in my eyes, and assume that they had gotten rid of all of their darkness, that they'd gotten rid of all of the parts and pieces of themselves that were in pain or that were unhinged or who had those thoughts about themselves. And the deepest healing I have come to have has been sitting with Jesus and him being like, I love that part of you. I love that part of you. Can you love that part of you? Because the pain that you're feeling is coming from the reality that you are trying to reject that part of you, like that's what's creating the pain. But if you can just sit here and you can love it and you can continue to practice to do so for all the days of your life, you will only continue to become more Christ-like, right? And one of the biggest, biggest stories that came up for me through my fertility process is the deeply rooted idea that I think so many people have, so many women in particular. Honestly, I scratched that. So many people in general have there's something wrong with me. The belief that there is something wrong with me was so deeply rooted in my mind, in my body, in my psyche, in all parts of my consciousness, and it would play out in this hyper-vigilance of what do I have to do to fix what I see is a problem, which is my unexplained infertility. Meanwhile, now I can only see in hindsight, God's just like, it's just not time yet.

unknown

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03

It's just not time yet. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. It's just not time yet. And um, while somatics was such a massive part in my healing journey, it wasn't until I started to feel the call home to Christ, the call home to Jesus, that I really surrendered in faith into the reality that that could be true, that there wasn't something wrong with me, that there wasn't more I needed to fix, that there wasn't more I needed to heal, that there wasn't deeper I had to go, or something more I had to perfect or find, so that then finally I could have the perfect fertile situation to be able to bring a baby into this world. Um, but rather that it just wasn't time, and that all that time that it was taking was building my relationship with myself, my relationship with my husband, my relationship with faith, my relationship with God. Um, and now looking back, as deep and dark and desperate and painful as that journey was, I wouldn't trade it for anything because had I gotten pregnant five years ago, I wouldn't be the woman that I am today. I wouldn't have the relationship that I have with God now because for whatever reason, fertility was the journey that God used for me to come home to Him. And now it's gonna be different in everybody's life what that thing is in your life that you can follow all the way through to the end to finally find and surrender into faith in him. But for me, it was my fertility, and I I really believe that that's why we took so long to even potentially look into IVF because, like I said in the beginning of this uh podcast, it's not normal. Like normally, people are like, okay, we've been trying a year, that's the cutoff date, we're just gonna go and we're gonna start the IVF process, and that just didn't feel real for Lee and I. And it's not because we had this full faith and connection to Jesus at that point, we didn't. We were just floundering through our own, like unguided sense of spirituality, floundering through marriage, floundering through questions of if we were even gonna make it, did we even belong together? Like it brought up every single shadow on both of our ends.

SPEAKER_00

If you're loving this conversation and you've been wanting a deeper way to walk with God in the real, wrong, and messy nature of your everyday life, we'd love to invite you to join us inside of Living Liberated, our faith-based devotional community built to help you navigate what it really looks like to give your life to God. This is a devotional space where we gather weekly as women to pray together, heal together, and roll alongside one another. We offer a seven-day free trial so you can check us out with no strings attached. There's never any commitment except for the one you are creating between you and God. Click the link in the show notes to check it out. We can't wait to welcome you in.

SPEAKER_03

September of last year. We had been on probably like almost a year-long journey of dabbling and starting to read the Bible here and there, talk about Jesus, like have this contemplation and deep like research phase between the two of us, and then finally in September, because of how much despair we were in around our fertility journey, of just like this is so hard, we need something beyond us. We need something else to hold us through this because it's just we are at the ends of ourselves, we are so exhausted, we have tried absolutely everything, we don't want to try anything anymore, we want to give up on everything, and we're so afraid that this thing, this dream that we know, this vision that we have between the two of us of the family that we want to have. And like my husband and I want to have like four children. This isn't just a like, oh, we kind of want to have a baby. Like, we have been dreaming of this for the past 10 years of being together. Um, finally, in all of that desperation, all of a sudden, one day I was just like, I really want to start going to church. I really I don't I really want to start going to church. I just need to be surrounded by people who have a bigger faith than I do. And he was like, All right, let's do it. Which previously to that moment, he was very like, eh, I don't know, maybe you can go. Like, I'm not sure. And from that very first moment that we stepped into that church, we got very lucky. We found a home church, the first church we went to. It was like, this is for us, this is amazing. I walked in and was hysterically crying, just feeling and like having a moment of like, oh my god, I'm home, like it's done. I can stop searching, I can stop trying, I can stop seeking, I'm home. And then, of course, going on the journey of what that actually means to be home in Him. Um, but we went full force from that moment, like church every single Sunday, reading our Bibles together, in a devotional study together, praying every single day, and just really, really studying the I keep saying this, but like the miracle-making power of God, because the reality is the Bible is riddled with stories of miracles, of things that there are no other, there is no other explanation for, and not even just within the pages of the Gospels of Jesus, but within the entirety of the Bible. There is just story after story after story of God being the thing that makes the miracle happen, not the humans and how much they could perfect and what they could figure out and all the things they had to learn in order to be able to be perfected enough in order to receive the answered prayer, right? But the the surrender of the human heart to God and the faith in him that he can make it happen. And we just focus all of our awareness on that for six months.

SPEAKER_00

I love that you keep you so first of all, beautiful testimony to how God really doesn't waste anything that we've been through, right? So, like we can even we're like in the throes of it and we're just like, why is this actually happening? Why is God not stopping this and being able to really lean into the traces of deep knowing that no part of your story is wasted. God uses every single pain, heartbreak, loss, frustration, defeat, like every part of that to bring you home and to like play out the calling that he has on your life. And so I just love that reflection of you looking at, you know, if this had happened for you five years ago, where your life would be and how differently that would be, and the work that God had to do within you to get you really fully prepared to step into this journey that he had played for you. So beautiful testament there. You keep naming surrender, and I feel like that's buzzy, trendy, like, oh, you just have to surrender to it, you just have to surrender. But I'd love to hear from you, like in real, like not the cliche I have to surrender, but like in real time, like what does that surrender look like, feel like? What does that mean as you were navigating this over the past five years?

SPEAKER_03

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like surrender is a very buzzy and trendy word, especially coming from healing spaces. Like it's just one of those words that's thrown out that's like you just have to believe in what it is that you want and just like just surrender. Just like just surrender. And it's like, great, but what does that mean? And I think back to there was a period of time in these five years that my husband and I were living in Costa Rica for a couple of months, and I actually put on a masterclass called The Art of Surrender, and I love her so much. I love that version of me so much.

SPEAKER_04

But I look back and I'm like, you didn't know what surrender was.

SPEAKER_03

Like that was a really cute, heady, logical explanation of how to step by step teach somebody to surrender. Um, but my answer beyond that is like you can't teach somebody how to surrender, only God can teach you how to surrender. Only devoting yourself to believing in and forming a embodied relationship with God can teach you how to surrender. Because uh, what is surrender? It is believing in God above everything else in your life, believing that he is the writer, he is the creator, he is the author, and that you are just the vessel who is moving through the experience of everything that he has written into your life so that you can live that journey home to him. Right? And in our wounds of separation, we learn to control, we learn to micromanage, we learn to create these big ideas and these big plans of what we want to happen for our lives, and it's literally in opposition to surrender. That's why I talk very often to my clients now who are building like personal brands and businesses and those things surrounding God of like selfish ambition is literally working from the wound of separation. It's going out and trying to get after and just do and grind and figure out everything that you can so that you can finally have that external thing that you think is going to fulfill what only God can fulfill. Right? Surrender is living your faith into a space where you know, you know via experience, you know via being so desperately afraid, but choosing to trust in God and like open your hands and let go of all the things that you feel like you have to hold on to control of, through that experience you learn the truth of surrender because it is living into the experience that God's got it, that God's got you, that you're not the one in control of anything, you are not the thing figuring anything out. So long as you choose it, right? You can continue to live in the paradigm in the reality where you believe that you are in complete control, and if you do X, Y, and Z and you continue to check all the boxes, you are going to be the thing that makes shit happen, right? And like that will be true to a certain extent, but you will make all that shit happen and you will get to the end of making it happen and realize that none of it actually fulfilled you because what you were seeking in trying to force all of that into creation is God, and that's why I'm so grateful for this testimony through fertility because I think I know because I've been there, a lot of women put pregnancy and motherhood on this pedestal of like, if I can just perfect my body and I can control all the circumstances and I can get pregnant, then I'm finally gonna feel so fulfilled. Then I'm finally going to feel whatever it is we believe we were we are going to feel by having that dream come true, right? And this is why I say I'm so grateful for the journey that he brought me on because I know now that my marriage, my business, my pregnancy, my future children, my health, my wealth, none of it. None of it can do what God does in our lives. None of it can satiate what only God can satiate in our lives. And I am learning now through the biggest initiation in pregnancy, the real, like there's a lot happening throughout my pregnancy right now of God showing me all the places where even now I'm still holding on to control, showing me the reality of like you wanted motherhood, and I have motherhood written into your story. This is what motherhood is going to be, and you're gonna put down this and you're gonna put down that and you're gonna put down this. And I've written this beautiful story for you to step fully into motherhood. But are you willing to let go of control of all the things you thought you needed to be so that you can have this dream that I've written for you? Right? And that's a a little bit on what the reality of surrender is, but it's so funny to even speak to because it's not something I we can speak to it all we want and we can teach to it all we want, but it's something that can only be experienced through the personal choice of building the level of faith in God that says, I know he's got me. I know he's got me, and I know that he is the writer, author, and director of this story, and that actually inside of that, I can stop trying so hard. I can stop trying to perfect every ounce of my life, I can stop trying to check all of the boxes I think will finally make me feel fulfilled because I can be so fulfilled in the knowing that he's got it and he's got me. And whatever it is that he has in store for my life is so much bigger and more beautiful than what I would have written. And that's such a piece of my fertility testimony because, like I said a little earlier, had I gotten pregnant five years ago, had I gotten pregnant two years ago, had I gotten pregnant a year ago, there are so many things now I see in hindsight of like, had I gotten pregnant two years ago, my marriage would have fallen apart. Right? And we had to live through that embodied experience of walking through the shadows of our marriage and coming home to faith in him to heal our marriage together home to him for us to be where we are now, to step into parenthood that the way that we want to step into it. And this isn't to get on a high horse and say, like, everybody has to be fully actualized in God before they have children. But I can also look at the place where so many people put marriage and children and checking these boxes in life on this pedestal of like, once I finally have all those things, then I'll finally be fulfilled and happy. And I think when we don't have God at the center of that, it does make room for a lot of issues, right? Like a lot of issues inside of motherhood where now women are feeling completely lost or disconnected, or like they didn't get to, like that like they're losing parts and pieces of themselves, right? Or the same thing inside of marriage, where you thought that marriage was going to be the end all be all of a happy ending. But if God was not at the center of that story, there is no one and nothing outside of yourself that can satiate those wounds that we're talking about that come from that separation.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah. Who did you become in this waiting season?

SPEAKER_03

The first word that comes to mind, it's not so much a who, but a what, peace. The despair of my fertility journey that brought me to my knees at the feet of God is what paved the path for me to live in the peace that I live in now. And that doesn't mean that my life is perfect and that I don't still try to grab onto control and I don't have my moments of freaking out about silly little human things, right? But be beneath that, there is a peace that goes beyond any understanding. Um I became deeply faithful. Like through this fertility journey, I became a woman of God.

unknown

Right?

SPEAKER_03

And not somebody who just believes in God and preaches about God and points fingers at other people and how they should be in relationship with God, but somebody who deeply knows, understands, and embodies the healing power of God and the difference that that can make in your life, and somebody who is devoted and determined beyond any perfectionism to exude that everywhere that I go. Um, and the final word that comes through I mean, I feel like I became a mother through my fertility journey. Like now I I know that every single maiden who moves into motherhood comes with a certain naivete that I am not going to understand until this baby's actually here, right? Like I'm gonna be in the trenches just as much as any other first-time mother. But I believe God granted me the time to actually really sit with and honor and build such a devotional reverence for what it the role, like the spiritual role and responsibility of what it means to be a mother and to step into motherhood. And I've really had so much time to contemplate like the mother that I desire to be, and the mother that I now know I'll be able to be only because of the grace of God, not because of my own strength or my own knowledge or my own anything that I've done on my own. It's all going to be because I have God holding my back while I hold my babies.

SPEAKER_00

That was really beautiful. That was really beautiful. Um so I guess what would be your encouragement, or what would you say to the woman who's listening who maybe is Dinah still in her weeding season and is now tuning in and just got her bleed for the 60th time, the 67th time?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Um, there's so much.

SPEAKER_03

There's so much. And I I want to preface answering that question just with a little bit of the story of what transpired over the past six months. Um, because like I said, my husband and I stepped fully back into church in September, and it was just off to the races. Like we were, if we're gonna be in this, we're gonna be fully in this. And and this is the thing that's now holding my heart as I'm moving through so much despair. And there's still month after month, even though we came home to Christ, it wasn't this immediate, like, oh, said yes to Jesus, and then he immediately got me pregnant, right? Like we were praying together. My husband was praying over my womb. We were like reading the Bible and researching, like I said, the miracle-making power of God. I keep saying that because do your due diligence, like go in and and learn about it, learn who he is, learn the things that he's done, allow that to traverse your psyche and your body and really create a transformation of what you believe is possible in in your life and in your body. Um, but about three months into me fully giving my life to Jesus, um, I could feel my period coming. It was November, and I had just driven Lee to work, and I pulled into my driveway, I was listening to worship music, I put the car in park, and I was just in that despair. Like I had that, it wasn't here yet, but I had that knowing of like my period's about to come, like it's not my month again. And I put my hands up and I closed my eyes, and I was enveloped in Christ. I was enveloped in Jesus, in this love, in this holding of like, it's okay that your heart is breaking, I'm here and I've got you, and the really weird dynamic of feeling so much sadness, but also so much love at the same time. And I had this vision of Jesus pouring this pitcher of water over my body, and I hadn't been baptized. I I still haven't officially been baptized, that'll be part of the story. Um, pouring this pitcher of water over my body, and I just felt it in that moment. Like I'm being washed and new, like this is a it feels like a baptism. Um, and he knelt down at my womb and like held my belly right where I was feeling the like pain of my uh the cramps that were starting to come on, and he just spoke into my womb. Blessed will be the fruit of your womb. And I lost it, like absolutely fell to pieces, hysterically crying with this overwhelming knowing of like he's gonna do it, like he's gonna be the thing that makes this happen. It's not my own will, it's not my own fight, it's not how much I can perfect every protocol that I've been agonizing over for the past four plus years, right? Let me just lean in and continue to have faith. And that moment transformed my faith in God, absolutely. Um, two days later, I felt incredibly called. I was like, I just I need to be baptized. I need to be baptized. I don't even know if I'm allowed to do this. I live on Long Island, I'm like two seconds away from the beach. It's November, it is freezing cold outside. I went down to the beach and I baptized myself in the Long Island Sound. I gave my life to Jesus, baptizing myself. I believe there is a story somewhere in scripture. It might not be in the Bible, but the story of Thekla, a woman who baptized herself, and that's how I like validated myself inside of that. So it was a supernatural experience of, of course, there's the human, like, I don't even know if this is legit or real, but I just feel this call. I have to do this. So after I had that experience, I baptized myself. I joined a women's ministry that I started showing up for umce a week, and there was also like a prayer group that was going on inside of that. Um, and still November, December, January, February, I get my period, I get my period, I get my period, I get my period. Um, January finally, we there started being a lot of talk around us, just people asking, like, hey, have you considered? Why aren't you considering? Are you willing to reach out? And I did begin to feel this stir around seeking fertility support. Like, hey, it's been five years. Like, why do I feel so prideful around this thing? Why do I feel like I have to do it on my own? Um, but I think I was still, I know I was holding out for like God's gonna do it. It's not gonna be a fertility treatment that does it. So my husband went to get a follow-up sperm test, and we booked an appointment for to begin IVF treatment. Um, that first appointment was for February 18th, and my prayer was like, please, God, like just make this happen. Allow your miracle power to work through our lives. I had a post-it note written next to my bed, like miracle pregnancy this month, no fertility treatment needed. But February came and I got my period, and I was like, oh, interesting. Like, okay, I'm not gonna get my answered prayer or whatever. Um, but one of the big things that was holding us back, honestly, was like the financial strain of IBF is insane. So we um I had a friend of mine who had gone through the process and I had reached out to this one clinic. I just assumed that nowhere was going to take my insurance. I have like very low-level state insurance for both entrepreneurs. I just assumed like there's no way that anywhere's going to take my insurance. So I just went with the first recommendation of a doctor that I had gotten, didn't take our insurance, whatever, it's fine. God will figure it out, we'll pay for it out of pocket. And the first consultation alone was gonna be $500. I met with my girlfriend who had gone through the process, and she's like, why don't you just reach out to Island Fertility? It was this other fertility clinic that most of the women that she knew had gone to. She was like, It's through this medical system, just check, see if they take your insurance. So I called that day. It was about a week before the appointment we were going to go to. Yes, they take our insurance, which like that alone, I was like, Oh, thank you, God. Like that was God right there. The fact that I can even find a place that is going to take off some of the heavy burden of the financial strain that this would put on us. But they didn't have an appointment, an appointment until March 2nd. So I canceled the initial appointment. March 2nd is now our initial appointment at this other clinic, and again, I'm just leaning into the miracle-making power of God. I was in a um prayer group called 21 Days of Faith, where we were getting on every single day in February praying together, and there was supposed to be like one focus you were praying, like praying for and focusing on, and I was really focusing on allowing scripture to sink into me in a way that I didn't just believe that miracles were possible or that they had happened in the past in these stories that I was reading, but that God was still fulfilling miracles every single day and that He could move on in my life. Um, so that was my focus throughout that entire month. Um, and then come the very last day of the 21 Days of Faith, the women in there knew to like my prayer point um that morning. They all prayed over me, knowing that my cycle was pending. Um, that was day 28 of my cycle. Our appointment was the next day to start the IBF treatment. I got off that call, I took a pregnancy test, and that is the first positive pregnancy test we had ever gotten. And I just had to make sure that I like told that part of the story before we got off this podcast today because it's like there is no other explanation. There is no other explanation except for faith in him and really leaning into not just I believe in God and I believe that he can make these things happen, but absolute embodied faith in the truth of what is possible in God is truly I believe what got me pregnant. Like there is no other explanation for it. I mean, and so many of these prayers were like, God, please just do this for me. Like, I will, this baby is yours, it will be a child of God, like it'll do whatever it is that you need to do, like needed to do. Um, and to be able to sit on the other side of that story and say, like, I got I'm somebody who's lived with, I've received a miracle. I received a miracle in my life through that level of devotion and connection and faith in what is possible in our lives through him. I mean, and there are so many other little like parts and pieces and moments that went into the lead up to that. Actually, one other piece. The night before we took that pregnancy test, I do this thing when I read the Bible, I just ask God to speak to me, like bring me to a verse, bring me to like what do you want me to see and hear? I don't just like open to a page, but I ask to be directed to certain scripture. Um, and usually it's a specific book and verse, like book, chapter, and verse, I'll I'll get pointed to, or like verses I'll get pointed to. But all I heard was Jacob. And I'm not an expert on the Bible, so I Googled and I'm like, I don't think there's a book of Jacob. Like, there's no, there's a Jacob in the Bible, but there's no book of Jacob. But it said to go to Genesis chapter, I think it was like 25 to 36 or something like that was the story of the life of Jacob and all of the parts and pieces, and and women and like parts of the family that were in that story, and every single one of those stories was of a there was like three different or four different generations of a woman who was barren and then got pregnant. And that night sitting there being like, oh my like knowing with every bone in my being, like this is happening. I know, like I'm I bought the pregnancy test, I'm finishing this 21 days of faith, I know that this is happening for me. Of course, having the human like, I don't want to get my hopes up, I've had my hopes up 60 times in the past five years. Um, but having all of these things happen that were God speaking to me about the truth of what was possible in him. And then, like I said, there is no, absolutely no feeling that will ever compare to taking that pregnancy test. And the first thing that I I I mean I screamed and I cried for so long, but the first thing I said to my husband afterwards is like he did it. He did it. We tried for so long, but he did it. And I think that that's a bit of the wisdom that I want to impart on anybody who is listening to this, who is on a fertility journey, but also obviously on a journey with God, or you wouldn't be listening to this, right? Is that if it's possible for me, it's possible for you too. That we don't get to control God's timing, and I'm so grateful for that, no matter how many times I wish that I could control the outcome of this, because in hindsight, every single piece that he has written into our story was absolutely perfect, not only for his own glory, like absolutely for his glory, right? This is a story that speaks to his glory, but it's also a story that shaped the woman I am, the man my husband is, the marriage we have, and who we get to be as we step into parenthood with God.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00

Well, thank you so much for sharing all of that. I just know that your story is going to impact so many women that are on this journey, and I feel honored to, you know, even get a glimpse of that and just watch how beautifully God has worked through these seasons to um fortify that strength in you. And it's just been really beautiful to witness. And I just know that everybody who's was just super blessed to hear all of that. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And I don't know, I guess I'm kind of feeling like called, if you feel called, that maybe just we end in like you guiding a prayer. Yeah. Maybe guiding a prayer for the women that are in the waiting season.

SPEAKER_03

If that feels absolutely I think the final thing I just want to say before landing a prayer is like let my let my story, let any story, any test testimony you listen to be like an air of hope in your heart, because it was not that long ago that I was on YouTube looking for every testimony on infertility to pregnancy stories. And I think there's this duality of they can bring hope, but they can also hurt your heart of just like when is it gonna be my time? When is it gonna be my time? When is it gonna be my time? And not to get caught in any level of comparison, right? No part of this is an invitation to go out and try to fight your way into the perfect faith that is going to allow a miracle to transpire in your life, right? Like I just said, we don't know why God works in the way that He works, we don't get to know why. So I just want to name that if you are in that waiting period, that my my heart is with you and my heart breaks with you, and I know the pain of that process so deeply. And I also know that when I was sitting in those shoes, these sorts of stories breathed life into the hope that I was building and the faith that I was building in the potential of what God can do in our lives. Um, and also no part of this is like a a woe to IVF. Like I was about to traverse that journey myself. So no part of this is me. I I don't have any negative opinions about it. Everybody's journey is their own, and God is guiding everybody to take steps in their journey. Like I said, we don't know what his timing is, we don't know why, and we also don't know why he has certain people go down certain roads and others go down um other roads. So this isn't an opinion on whether or not you do IVF, you don't do IVF, um each of your stories are your own. And so with that, I just want to leave you with a prayer of inspiration and hope and connection and peace and possibility. So if you can just take a moment and close your eyes and bow your head, open your heart, dear God. Thank you so much for everything that you have created down to the perfection of how we get to play a part in your creation through our human bodies. God, thank you for every moment, every uncertain moment, every moment of fear, every moment of frustration, every moment of despair, every moment of connection, every moment of faith, every moment of peace. I thank you equally for all of them, because without any of them, we wouldn't be exactly where we are right now, shaped into the humans who can sit here with open hearts and open hands and actually receive the fullness of who and what you are, Lord. And I just want to pray. I ask that you draw so near to every woman and every man, every couple listening who is going through any sort of struggle with infertility in this moment, Lord. And I just ask that you hold their hearts, that you hold their hands, that you fill their hearts, their minds, their bodies, and that you utilize this time in their life to fortify their faith in you. That you walk them through the story that you've written with with them and for them, for the highest good, for your glory. And God, I just pray miracles. I pray miracles over every single woman, every single man, every single couple, every single baby that is in that waiting room right now. I pray that you strengthen their faith. You strengthen their faith in knowing that what is possible for me, what you have done for me here through my life is possible for them too, Lord. And that you lead them to know, you lead them to know that nothing, no answered prayer, no external reality, nothing but you is going to be the thing that fully fulfills that hole that each of us have in our heart, Lord. Draw near, hold them close, strengthen their faith. Send them every angel they need along this journey to know that they are not alone, that it is not for nothing that you are here, that you are holding them, and that you are listening, Lord. I pray all of these things in your son Jesus' name. Amen.

SPEAKER_00

Amen. That was beautiful. Thank you everyone for listening in today and checking in, tuning in to Jesus Got Me Pregnant. If you are enjoying conversations like this, um, shameless plug, Molly and I have a free uh devotional community, a ministry that we are building, creating, unfolding, labor of love as we speak. Um, we currently are meeting in there once a week and having conversations like this. So if you are a woman who is seeking community and connection and wanting to do your life and your faith walk with other women that are kind of in the messy middle, this is your invitation. We'll put the uh we'll put the link in the show notes. We would absolutely love to have you in that space. Molly and I have a God-sized dream of creating this platform and just reaching as many women as possible. Um because life is more fun when we get to do it together, I think. Um, and we would love to have you in there. So we appreciate you listening as always until we connect with you all next time. Don't forget. God's got it, got it. God's gonna get it. Are we never gonna get it going? We're never gonna get it right, and that's the magic of it all. We'll see you guys next week. Okay, guys, that's a wrap. If today's episode spoke to you, please let us know. Leave us a Comment or reach out via email.

SPEAKER_01

If you know someone who would benefit from this message, please take a moment to share it with them and make sure to hit the subscribe so that you never miss an episode.

SPEAKER_00

Thanks for spending time with us today. We hope you leave your reminder that whatever season you're in right now, God's got it.